Whether you’re arguing with your husband about your mother-in-law’s politics, with your roommate about how to split utilities or with your six-year-old about why he can’t have two desserts instead of dinner, the goal should always be de-escalation (world leaders: take note). But how do you help everyone simmer down when you can physicallyfeelyour body and brain descending into a rage spiral? One family therapist has a great trick that we intend to try the next time we feel fiery:Speak in statements, not questions.
“Questions easily trigger childhood stuff,” therapist Robert Taibbi writes inPsychology Today. “Mental and emotionalmemoriesof a parent looming over us and wagging a finger:Why are you late? Did you do your homework? Did you hit your brother?他们很快引起批评nd tension—that something is wrong, that you did something wrong, that you are not being honest. These reactions are hardwired into our brains.” And of course there’s the nuclear missile of all questions: “Why do youalways…?”
Statements, on the other hand, “soothe, calm and join,” Taibbi writes. While they will still enable you to get your (valid, obviously) point across, statements like “I know you feel upset, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I said that because I was worried that…” will help to “lower the emotional temperature.” The most soothing statement of all, of course?我听到你。