Kindly Follow: Instructions in Preparation for My PMS

ByDara Katz

•

Published Jul 10, 2023

Co-written by

Anna Callegari

CSA Images/Getty Images

The first rule of my PMS is don’t talk about my PMS.
You may use the fridge, but do not touch the second shelf (those Snack Pack puddings are essential to my well-being at this time).
If you have eaten the hidden reserve of Oreos, they must be replaced in a timely matter.
My boobs will hurt, and I will take at least 10 pregnancy tests to confirm I am not pregnant (see rule #1).
I will ask you if the cystic acne on my chin is bad. The only acceptable response is, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I will have uncontrollable gas. Prepare as needed.
Flo from Progressive will make me cry, laugh and feel things I haven’t felt since “Friday Night Lights” first aired.
I will become increasingly bloated and take 10 more pregnancy tests, about which you should not say a damn word (see rule #1).
你会发现我在地板上的linen closet mid-nap. Grab what you need and do not disturb.
OK fine, you can disturb once. But only if you have Snack Pack puddings.